Friday, June 13, 2014

Missing and Moving Forward...

There has been so much that has happened in the last few months, I’m not even sure I could summarize it for you if I tried.  But, on the one year anniversary of Seth’s death, I felt it might be healing to write about the man I loved so very much one last time.  I think my blogging days are mostly over, but for those of you who have watched mine and Finley’s journey from afar I thought I would give you a bit of insight into our last year. 

There is this great Anne Lamott quote several people have sent to me that says, "You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."  And, I have found this quote resonates deeply with me, because I have realized I can miss and honor Seth and still move forward, I can still love him and find love again. 

This year has brought such deep and profound sorrow, I have shed more tears than I ever thought possible, I have felt healing and brokenness in the same instant.  I have come to believe that while God does not cause pain, it is through pain we are able to come to a more honest and true relationship with Him.  This year has also brought me deep joy in ways I have never known, not a first, at first I always felt like I was faking it, but eventually it came, and when it did come, it opened my eyes, allowed me to see that joy can be felt everywhere, and this realization felt life giving. 

There are so many ways in which I miss Seth.  I miss the way he could make Finley belly laugh, I miss the way he could make me belly laugh, and I miss his giggle.  I miss the way he never ceased to look for the good in people and in circumstances, how he always found the good in me.  I miss his sarcasm and wit, I miss his calming presence.  I miss our conversations, I miss the way we loved each other, even in the hard stuff.  I miss watching him grow and love others, I miss processing life with him.  I miss him for his family and friends, for myself and most of all for Finley.  I miss his beer, cheese and wine making escapades. I miss his stilts, his juggling, and his crazy ideas.  I miss the way he could be so laid back with the world and that with me he could let down his guard and tell me when things actually were hard for him.  I miss his compassion for others, his love for God and for serving.  I miss his practical jokes, I miss the way he could shake me out of a bad mood.  I miss planning for life with him, I miss feeling so supported and completely loved by him.  I miss the way he loved those close to him so well, I miss the way he sought to serve those he loved and those he didn’t know.  I miss being a family with him, I miss family hugs and snuggles and movie nights and dance parties.  I miss his love for basketball, his family & friends, meat, big cities, cheesesteaks, rap music, baseball hats & flip flops, video games, scary movies and grape nuts with his ice cream.  Mostly, I miss coming home and finding him and Finley laughing, blowing bubbles and waiting on me to join in the fun. 

So even while the moving forward is happening, the missing continues.  But, the moving forward is good.  I have a new job that I love, Finley is continuing to grow and loves and lives life intensely, we have found good church community, I am back to running almost every day, we have good friends and amazing family, and even in the midst of all the missing, I have found love.  And, it has been hard and complicated at times, but it has also been amazing and such an expression of grace for me and for Finely.  I am thankful to have found someone who is so amazing and who loves us so deeply, and who desires to spend life with me.  I am also so thankful to have found someone who always seeks to understand and honor the missing. 

As this year comes to a close, I remain incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had to share life with Seth, I am thankful to have known and loved him and to have been loved by him.  I am thankful to share a child with him, who continues to be his presence for all of us who loved Seth.  While I would never have predicted any of this when I married Seth at 22, I would still do it all again, because even the pain was worth it.  And, his death has left me incredibly thankful for everything I have in this life; it has also made me very aware that everything we have is temporary.  So, my goal is to seek His Kingdom here on earth through moments of joy, love, community, service and family.  My hope is that Finley will learn how to trust God enough to reach for the things that bring her great joy, without fearing the losing of it all.  My hope is that one day she will come to the same conclusion that I did, that God is faithful, and we are so incredibly and deeply loved by Him. 

Finally, thank you, thank you for joining us on this journey, for reading, for writing, for praying, for loving us so well.  Thank you for continuing to remember Seth so well.  Finley and I are excited about what is next for us, we know Seth would be as well, so we will always seek to treasure the past, while expectantly, humbly and thankfully move toward the many good things that are ahead.  

Thanks for joining us,

Sarah & Finley

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